masquerade

and we will go on in this live play
and we will dance with the enchanting masks in this masquerade
yet we are unaware that this is just a fading parade
let’s see them waltz their way unfailingly
prance with every step in place
watch them on the gleaming glass as they appear gliding
gliding ever so effortlessly
with lights in their eyes
and pearls in there kisser
morphine drifting in their heavy puff
two stepping to your soundtrack as if they knew every note from nativity
nevertheless envy and spite lie in the screws of the lights in there eyes
as soon as the wrong note is mistakenly pressed
the glass gleaming, sheeny floor is cracked
wrong notes play loudly over and over and over again
minors after minors
bang after bang
the masks begin to tear and disintegrate
the floor is shattering
piece by piece
sequins and glitter fall
mache unwraps painfully in the motion of the leisurely morbid sound
beauty rushes into chaos
as the masks genuineness reveals itself
it is nothing but pure ugliness
eyes full of deceit and death
skin is bloody and burned
and beneath the gleaming glass floor lies nothing
nothing but the malodorous of old and new bones
bones that lay in fire for eternity
and in the end the gleaming glass floor is nothing but an endless hell
and the masks of jewels and sequins disappear into ashes
ashes of nothing but fraud that frolicked with a lilly

well…hello there….

well bloggers….if you are there…i am back….
just needed to take a break from my little world and take care of a few things in reality but i am blessed to be able to say right not that my reality is almost better than my dreams now, thanks to a very special someone.

i just want to take my experience and a whole bunch of cliches and throw them at you guys right now….. i want you all to know a few things
-prayers are answered….sometimes not the way we picture them being answered but i promise you they are answered and the outcome is better than you expected….. - follow not only your heart, but your gut, your brain, your body…..sometimes in life we come to a place where no matter how much we may despise the thought….we must do something for ourselves…..i want you all to remind yourself….this is your life….this is your next 20, 50, 90, 100+ years….you deserve to be happy…..- dont take anything for granted….  -also, take a huge step back…..close your eyes for a minute…list off all the people who have walked all over you, stepped on you, spit on you, used and abused you,  hurt you, backstabbed you….)))you get the drift))….and just tell them….”THANK YOU” (yes you read that correctly) tell them THANK YOU!!!! (i dont even care if youre flipping that middle finger when you say it but tell em….yell it at em…tell them THANK YOU….THANK YOU!!!! for showing me the real person you are….thank you for broadening my world…thank you for the lessons i have learned from your mistakes, and last but not least…THANK YOU for helping sculpt the great, mature, honest and genuine person i am today….because of all the hurt you brought into my life…THIS IS WHO I AM…..!!!!!!! so THANK YOU!!!!!! -also, when you least expect it and when you have just about given up on it all….thats when your angel comes to you.. -and another thing… you know those people….who say “when you know, you know” and “when it seems so right, it is” and “there really is a thing called love at first sight…” well there right guys….

anyways sorry this was so short but just thought i would let you know i havent forgotten about you guys and i have tons of my artwork coming up ((pics)) and tons of my writing (poems and what not)) well i love you all….i hope someone out there in the chaotic crazy world is maybe listening to a bit of me….<3 love you all. goodnight to this place we call home….  

imagine merging

along with these days of 2 feet down-pouring rainfall…it has really come to my attention that people are just giving up…throwing in the towel, calling it quits…whatever you may say it as. every direction i turn i am witnessing this earth’s creature’s worlds shattering….(heartbreaks, heartaches, debt, unwanted blessings, thievery, lies…hurtful truth…backstabbing and rising dirty hidden secrets coming up from the deep damp soil) ok ok ok….blame it on the “weather”….and yes..i do understand that bad things happen…trust me..you are not talking to a complete optimist or a pessimist for that matter either….label me realist..label me crazy…or just take me as i am and the way i see my world. i understnad that bad things happen in order to make us stronger, in order for our lives to be a testimony to those around us, bad things happen because we as a world and a unit have allowed them to happen…bad things occur because this world is full of imperfections and clashing colors.
i guess the point im trying to make tonight and vent about is…. is it really coming to that? are we really all going to let this happen? let our world end this way? in the way ofdeception, deceit, lies, and filth? maybe im just guilty of having way to much faith in the world and if so i will do my time. BUT i am not giving up and i wont…ever…tell me im trying to move a mountain…and throw discretion in my face but i KNOW that i was put here on this world to make a difference..whether my little difference was with Mark..a homeless man i had a very long friendship with and who i will always hold dear and near to my heart…or wether it will be to someone who is up at 4 am like me reading my blog..however it happens and to whomever it happens too…wether it be one soul or the whole world…i am not giving up on my purpose…my goal..<<MY GIFT>>
but am i the only one??? will this world step up to the plate and do what it preaches?!  i am absolutely and completely tired of hearing this world’s creatures claim the world is ending soon and just sitting here and doing completely nothing about it…and yet sitting in there lovely homes and recliners pondering upon how the world got this way…hunger? poverty? crime? a government full of absolute bullshit? but they have yet to ask the question how did i try to stop this??? how did i try to make a difference??? how did i fight against this??? how did i let my small…but yet important VOICE get heard??? 
while people in our own town are starving and loosing homes….while there are children being beaten tonight..while i watch most of my colleagues fail because of the choices they have made and throw their future of potential away…and we get to sleep in a warm bed every night, with a roof over our head and a good meal in our stomach and take it for granted and not once worry about the world……. yes i know we all have our own problems too…trust me…(an army-wife, hard worker since 15, a person who is in to see the doctor every 3 months…and a woman who stands for everything and is in the wrong world at the wrong time…a soul who is screaming everyday until my whole world comes back into my arms and me into his…) but why can we all not just get together…bear ALL of our burdens together…lift them up…TOGETHER…cry ToGeThEr ? there are ?7 billion people? and yet all of us feel alone…all of us suffer alone and if you dont…by golly you better feel like one lucky son of gun….. as humans..we were not meant to be alone…that is why the GRACIOUS GOD created 2 of everything…not one…we as creatures survive with one another…not as a solo artist… i can only imagine what this world would be like if we just stopped the lies…stopped the crime…stopped the sins…stopped the back stabbing and heartbreaking…and just got together…wept together and charged at this ferocious bull of a world and conquered it….????

and yes i will say it….just like my beloved John Lennon said it…”i may be a dreamer but im not the only one….” “IMAGINE”
what a utopia kind of place this would be….but maybe that world is just meant for my blog…my journals…my paintings..and my dreams….

keep reading and subscribe…..your silent dreamer <3

here are some pics of john lennons memorial in NYC and where he got shot…enjoy…

the undefinable .absolute.true.love.

“define love for me….”
  “what kind of love, my dear?”

“true love….define true love for me..”
   “well…honestly, you are asking me to define the undefinable…”
“yes but how do you define it…?”
     “well…absolute true love…is….loving that person…MORE than yourself…….. yes maybe it is the butterflies in your stomach that you still get after many years when you hear their sweet voice on the phone, or the way it takes your every breath in your lungs away when you two kiss, yes maybe it is the way that you have to take a step back every once in awhile and really take in how unbeleivably lucky you are to be with that amazing person God has placed in your life, it could be the way you look into eachothers eyes and nothing else in the world matters for a split second…but besides all of that walt disney cinderella and snow white inspired feelings we get…i really believe it is being willing to give up ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you have and own for that person even if it would just make them happy for a short time, for once in your life you just stop thinking about yourself or your life or plans and think purely about them and their happiness and well being…you dont just love them because of the butterflies in your stomach but you love them because you CHOOSE too…
((for real love is not just and only a feeling but a choice and a mindset…. )) you choose to accept the good, bad, and the ugly that comes with them…you choose to stick by them through the roughest times in their life and celebrate with them in their triumphs and accomplishments. you deal with the yelling frustrations, burnt birthday cakes, rear ending the mail box, morning sickness, and the whole package. it is about loving the anger that comes out of their mouth after a bad day just as much as you love the smiles that their humor brings to you. its about holding each other and embracing each other in moments of trials and tears, and also holding each other in uncontrollable laughter that you bring one another. you choose to love them…unconditionally…and uncontrollably with every part of your body mind and soul…. you find joy in what they love, you are interested in the things they love because you love that person….its about wanting to spend every second of your life with that person and enjoying every moment….its about who will be next to you in the rocking chair when you’re 80 years old and cant hear anything…but its all okay because their is still a smile on their face and a fire of love burning in their eyes.  absolute love…is not something you can find around the corner…because it was created far before our time…it was created when God made you…and made a person for YOU…to love you truly and unconditionally…..absolute true love is about honestly, loyalty, friendship, trust and forgiveness. most importantly you must understand that with any kind of love you are putting yourself in a position to get hurt…but thats what true love is…..Giving someone the ABILITY to hurt you…but TRUSTING them NOT too… My dear, this all may make no sense to you….i guess if you cant take anything from me about absolute true love….you must just have to experience it yourself….”

hope in the moon

i was given existence
i was handed a journey to sail into this unfamiliar sea of life
and although my voyage has had high tides
and although my ship has had to go against the strong current…
it brought me to you..
the deep gracious skies handed me you…
indescribable, wonderful you..
…my better half
my rock, my home
my hero, my angel, my safe-haven
the color in my world
the fire in my heart
the water in my sea….
so how could they conduct this heartbreak?!
how could they steal you away?
why would they leave me alone and cold in this storm?

and now my love lives a victims life a thousand miles away
…from me and our sea…
and it doesn’t matter how loud i scream
or how big the puddle of my tears is…
and it doesn’t matter  how much i bleed
or how much i wail or cry out in agony
he is deaf to my screaching
and blind to my weeping

and even though they have captured him
blinded him
muted him
and beaten him….
his heart is still mine and mine is his
and his mind is thinking of me…

those beasts can try to keep us apart
but our love  is stronger than that
our love remains…
passionate
pure
addictive
relentless

and through all this filth and darkness
remains the moon…
the moon is our connection
our hope
our symbol of aspiration
because when look above the waters…
the moon that i gaze at..is the same one….
that my love is staring at too…

so i will talk to the moon…
i will cry to the moon
i will seek the moon in hope…
in hope that you will be back
back in my arms
back in my sight
back in my ship
so we can conquer this world together
go against these strong currents together…
and forever be just you and me
in a little ship out on this unfamiliar sea 

Dash

 hello…hope all you bloggers are doing good and living life to its fullest.
i was going through some files and came across this writing i had written and the funny thing is it hasnt changed one bit. thought i would just share it with you guys. enjoy.

              A dream, is defined as an ambition and a cherished desire. From the second we are born, we start our life. Life is full of storms of shame, and clear blue skies that bring a warmness to our home. Living is beautiful and however painfully hard at times. We all learn and grow from our mistakes and falls. Alas we will all have our last hour, and at that moment in time I wonder what goes through a person’s mind, if anything at all? Is it watching yourself and all the glorious things you did or is it a moment of guilt seeing yourself and all the mistakes you have made. Is death just as beautiful as life? No matter how harsh or beautiful death is, I believe the most important thing is not what you take with you in every setting your life takes place, but what you leave behind. As the most loved OZ said to Tin-man, “A heart is not judge by how much you love; but by how much you love others.”

       ((THE DASH…. ;))
Unfortunately people tend to forget about the dash. “The dash?”, you may ask? I am talking about the dash that lies on our grave between the two dates that represent your birth and death. More then just a line, the dash that lies between two four-digit numbers, is more of a symbol. It is a symbol of what you did, achieved and conquered throughout your life. It is about who you loved, how you loved, and most importantly how you were loved and thought of.

In my life, among the many simple things I want to do and accomplish….I want to change the world. I want to make the world a better place. Why is the world we are living in so corrupt and selfish? My goal is to change every person’s life that I come in counter with. I want to make a impact on their day and walk away and have them thinking, “wow that girl has something different about her.” People ask  me why i desire to be different…..well…it is because I am different and I want people to remember that. I see things differently…I look at this world different than anyone else…and although some people cant accept that….or accept how much love I have to give….this is who I am and I will remain this way…because God, Himself, createsd me this way…and it was for a purpose and a reason and I will leave my mark upson this earth and do great things and be remembered. I want to be remembered as the woman that was different, the girl that had that spark about her. The woman that changed the world, made a difference in the people that were her community.
Even though I am no complete perfection, I am a walking testament that even though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. I will share my stories and help people find their purpose using my personal experiences.

VOICEBOX

with a voice so engaging she can catch anything she desires
and as the deceit and deception dwells behind those deep, dark hazel eyes….
she catches her prey and depends upon their attention for her survival
as her victims mesh in her delicate web
they crave her
they crave her scent
they crave her deceitful taste of sweet nectar
they crave that astounding tone that leaks out of her poisonous lips
but the audience of her music does not recognize the true lungs inside their favorite siren…their adored woman
…the woman who has a voice that could kill
her lungs are filled to the top with waste and rubbish
but when the darkness comes to light and all the lies she has sung float up
her music box falls…
falls back to where it came from…
falls… into the depths of hell…
and the foolish audience sees…
the ugliness
the lies
the hostility inside her
they see the haggard virago that she is
her audience shrieks in misery of her true being…
her audience trembles in humiliation of not seeing what kind of shrew they had made their totem
and thick ink of ebony leaks over the sky…
even the sun is blinded by the repulsiveness of this thing…
this thing that has been crawling upon her soil…
and soon the creatures of the sun’s soil will break out in war against this virago
a nation against a beast…
the nation will defeat her….
they will set her on fire
and she will burn
burn…burn…burn…